The Big Dumb Pool

Temperatures were just shy of 100 degrees over labor day weekend, so we decided to get a kiddie pool for Cammi. I stopped by Target, but they were all out. Although... they did have larger, nicer pools at an end of summer clearance price of 75% off! Sure, Cammi would enjoy a little pool, but this pool we all could enjoy! Just look at the fun that photogenic family on the cover is having!

Plus, easy set up!

The box claimed a water depth of 13 inches. Deep enough to lounge on a small air mattress, but not too deep for Cammi. I ignored the little warning bells that started going off in the back of my head as I struggled to get the heavy box to the checkout counter. When I dragged the box into our backyard and upended it, hundreds of individual pieces, screws and bolts poured out. The "easy" set up was going to take me hours in the hot sun. Even worse, the blue tarp that made up the pool walls looked pretty big. Janna walked out with a look of horror on her face.

"Stop right there." She said,"Don't unpack any more of that. Take it back. It's huge!"

Deep down, I knew she was right, but I'd just spent an hour hauling this brutally heavy and awkward box around. I didn't want to take it right back. Plus, I'd promised Cammi she'd go swimming, and I wasn't about to break a 2 year old's heart, so I soldiered on.

Hours later I was dehydrated and sunburned, but I had the thing installed. It was massive. Forget the 13 inch water depth, the walls were over 3 feet high, and our entire backyard was pool.

I also realized I couldn't fill the thing up in a drought without being a monster, so I filled it with a comical 3 inches of water.

Cammi and I jumped in and played for hours, till our cheeks were rosy in spite of the sunblock. We had a blast, but I knew we had to return it. I told Janna that we'd play with it in the morning, then I'd get to disassembling the thing.

Early the next morning, Cammi and I threw on our swimsuits and rushed out to the pool, only to be greeted by...

A dead squirrel

This was not some random squirrel. We knew him well. The neighbors had named him "Don", and he was a jerk. He spent his days on our back fences squabbling with the neighboring bluejays. If you've never heard the noise a squirrel makes, it sounds exactly like someone loudly and forcefully sucking spit through clenched teeth. He only took short breaks in his tirades to tear up my lawn and bury forgotten nuts and berries. He died like he lived. Pissing me off.

So, that was that. I consoled Cammi, fished out Don and got to disassembling the pool. I didn't want to waste the water, so I pumped it into our empty compost bin, where the water combined with years of caked debris to form brown, compost, dead-bug, squirrel-water that I'd later use to water my sad little drought-lawn for the first time in months.

Disassembling and re-packing the pool took all day in the brutal heat. It was like re-packing a tent, only exponentially worse. Like, you know it must be able to fit into that tiny box, because you remember taking it out of there, but there is clearly now more mass than the box can contain. By the end of day I was defeated, exhausted and soaked in sweat and the filthiest water imaginable. Around 7pm I hauled the torn, re-taped and waterlogged box of pool back into Target. The two kids at the returns counter stared at me glassy-eyed as I told them my story.

"So, what's your return policy?" I asked,"Can you take this back."

Without emotion one of them said,"Our policy... well, we need you to unpack it and spread it out here so we can make sure nothing is damaged, then re-pack it."

"You must be joking." I said, as something died in my soul.

"Yeah, I am." He said as they both broke into hysterics. "Just come behind the counter and help me haul this thing into our salvage section."

Real funny guys.